So, a few weeks ago Weird Tales Magazine had a little writing contest, asking folks to submit 500 word or less “flash fiction” stories based off of spam e-mail topics. Since I was unemployed (and still am, grrr) and had a lot of free time, I figured why not? If I won it would be good publicity and something to put on the resume.
Obviously because I wasn’t here trumpeting my auspicious victory to all who cared to listen and even those who didn’t, you can tell I didn’t win. But still! I feel it’d be a shame for the masses to miss out on my awesome work. So here, for the first time anywhere, the world premier of my first flash fiction.
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Instant results with organ enhancement pills
by Sean Riccio
From: nancy.dorkins.pta@newportpta.com
To: Newport PTA mailing list
Re: Super-drugs in our schools
Greetings fellow parents, teachers and concerned citizens. As you’re all aware, I’m sure, there has been an outbreak of drug usage in our beloved North Country Union High School. This is not the endorphine-drip wetware hacks or dope-spores that we have all had to come to terms with (and a few of our staff and parents may have experimented with themselves years ago *ahem*.) No, this is far more dangerous to our precious children and indeed our way of life.
I’m talking about Genetic Organ Enhancement Compound, or GOEC. You may have heard it called by it’s street name “Chemical X” on State News. The kids also refer to it as “Marvel”, “Super Juice”, “Power Poppers” and “doing the Batusi.”
This drug is synthesized from the blood, skin, and…erm, ejaculate of despicable “homo superior” mutants and gives it’s users their freakish afflictions. I know that seems impossible, since the Homeland Security department called for the liquidation of all genetic terrorists, but as you all know some countries are not as righteous as we are and still allow their freak populations to grow. These rogue states are allowing terrorists to infect our children with their disease, hoping to save themselves by turning us into them.
If your child is taking GOEC, they may show one or more of these signs:
Skin discoloration (blue, lime, violet, etc.)
Excess hair/fur growth
Dramatically improved reflexes
Dramatically improved senses
Dramatically improved grades
Oversized/overly-sharp teeth
Aversion to microwaves, yellow-colored lamps, fire
Projectile nocturnal emissions
Being unable to explain strange fires, ice buildups, acid pools and radioactive waste in their vicinities
Brain swelling
Explosive nocturnal emissions
Glue-like adhesiveness
Bent pipes, rods and other heavy metal objects in their rooms
Razor scars on knuckles
Heat vision
Please talk to your children about the dangers of Genetic Organ Enhancement before it is too late. North Country has a zero-tolerance policy in effect, and our teachers and Hall Monitors are ordered to fire upon any student displaying genetic dissidence. Deadly force is authorized by the American Protection From Super-Beings Act.
In other business, the Homecoming Planning Committee will be meeting this Friday night. This year’s theme: Romance In The Tropics! Students and parents are welcome.
Yours,
Nancy F. Dorkins
Principal/Head of Security
North Country Union High School
